My biggest fear right now is that one day that i’ll be in the position where my decision can determine the life/death of someone or it will determine what happens next. I want to go down the path of non-violence, but i fear i could lose it and make a different choice instead.
Why do I play games so much? Besides the fun it’s the one fantasy/reality I can live thru happily and get away from the true reality I live in. It’s my escape and it’s my chance to run away.
I just woke up from my worst nightmare. There was a huge ass spider that got into my room somehow. The size of my fist. I kill it with a rok and start to burn it then all of a sudden a bunch of baby spiders was crawling around. Fuuccckkk!!
I like to do things simple.
I wear sandals/flip flops so i don’t have to put on socks/tie my shoes/ and simply to live simple.
I don’t stress over clothes or keeping up with fashion so i can live simple.
I picture and plan out everything in my head first so my plans turn out simple and fast.
I try to live simple so that i don’t struggle when everyone else does and so that i can do things quick and easy for me and for everyone.
But I’ve been trying to live so simple that in every situation I’ve been in, i’ve tried to find the easy way out and now im learning the hard way that life isn’t simple. There will always be struggles and there will always be obstacles. But now I’ve fallen into my own simple life fantasy and i struggle to get myself up. I’m scared of reality and i’m scared of what’s next. Each day i lose more hope and determination. The fire is dwindling and i know what to do, but when will i do it? When will i finally face my fears? I just hope i can do it soon before i lose myself in my own pit fall.
with myself and neither side is winning….i can’t run and hide forever…
I say that i’ll do a lot of things. Give out advice on a lot of things. Then go home and think to myself silently, i haven’t done that yet nor have i ever done it. Some of the advice i pass down is from other people and what they tell me. I push things back so much. Last year i didn’t do my financial aid. This year i enrolled too late and have only 2 classes.
I’ve finally realized that sometimes i hide behind my life and accomplishments to drown out my fears and priorities. It bothers me every night, but i can’t help but to run. I use STP/AYPAl as excuses to run away from these things.
Sometimes i wonder, when will i lay down my sword and shield and face my demons barehanded. Or will i continue to run away from them.
Time to face reality. Time to face the world. Its not just AYPAL/STP anymore. Its life, now and tomorrow.
“You’re not giving yourself enough credit. Sometimes you got to just give yourself some credit for doing things.”
He’s right. Its not about being cocky or showing off, its about acknowledging your accomplishments and how far you’ve gotten.
At first I wanted to build and connect wit ya but after hearing abot what’s been going on. Seriously fuck you. You hella dirty for all that shit yu done. If it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t have even had the chance to do it. Then we talked about us doingit together as agroup in the end my half is the half that wasn’t invited/notified. We were left out and cut out. We weren’t even given a chance. Which gives me the thought that you never wanted us there in the first place. Privilege my ass you alrdy planned to cut us. Fuck you. I’m so mad I want tocall you names and kick your ass but I’m a bigger person then that. I can’t look at you the same abymre. You’re an adult and you’re supposed to be better than that. I lost my respect for you.
At this point, i’m not to happy with our decision making. We’ve set up deadlines and everything already. We’ve cut off the line. We both agreed to it, no more. But then more comes and we are loose about it and accept one. Then another one and another. Despite discussions around the issue we continue to let it slip.
It makes me not want to go anymore, but fuck it. we took too long to plan it.
